Home | President's Page | CASTA Board | Area Representatives | Newsletters | Calendar | Member Pages | Conferences | Site Map |Workshops | State Awards | ASTAweb | Music Organizations/Affiliates | Current/Important Announcements | Auditions & Competitions | Contact Us | Teacher Resources |

 

 

MUSICAL HUMOR

Music: A complex organization of sounds that is set down by the composer, incorrectly interpreted by the conductor, who is ignored by the musicians, the result of which is ignored by the audience

 

A Glossary for Music Critics
 

 

Here's a handy reference for the aspiring classical music critic who needs to come across like a stodgy, pompous, prissy blowhard. Sprinkle your reviews, interviews, think pieces and columns with these words, and you'll look like a real pro.

 



 

alas. Synonym for "unfortunately" that carries the additional messages: (1) the writer personally feels the pain being described; (2) the writer is as old as a Cretaceous fossil.

ardor. This word went out sometime between the Gilded Age and Theodore Roosevelt's first term of office, but classical critics haven't gotten the news yet.

Beethovenian. Unwieldy word that conveys the right patrician note when "Beethovish" or "Beethoven-like" simply won't do (see Scriabinian).

best of times... Paraphrasing the opening lines of "A Tale of Two Cities" in your lead paragraph is one of the two best ways to telegraph the reader that he/she is about to read a piece of terrible prose.

bravura. Interchangeable with "bravado."

burnished. Used to describe overall sound or tone even when there's no furniture in sight.

clarion. 1. Prissy word for "trumpet." 2. Prissy word for "trumpet call" or "horn signal." 3. Prissy word for any loud, resounding sound.

color. A musical quality that has nothing to do with vision.

colorist. Be careful which one you use: a colorist is a musician wielding a wide sonic palette; a colorer is a three-year-old wielding an eight-pack of Crayolas. For "sonic palette," see "color."

composer's intentions. 1. It's a critic's duty to point out when a performer is not being true to the composer's intentions. 2. It's a critic's duty to point out the arrogance of early music specialists' assumptions about the composer's intentions.

d. All the negative words you will ever need begin with this letter (dearth, death, degenerate, deleterious, deprecate, depression, derogate, desperate, despoil, despondent, detract, diffident, dilapidated, disaffected, disappointment, disastrous, discomfit, discomfort, disconsolate, disparage, dissipated, distress, doldrums, dolorous, dour, down, drab, drained, dreary, dull)

devotees. Fans, to the unworthy; a notch below connoisseurs, a notch above followers.

dulcet. The "sweetness" implicit in this word is explicitly intended to apply to music, but you'll never read a pop music critic use it (e.g., "the dulcet strains of Aerosmith").

evince. A word for "display" that would be archaic in any context other than classical music, where it is in frequent use (as in "to evince a rich color palette").

evoke. Can be substituted for "evince" without anyone noticing or knowing the difference.

hackneyed. A word that is popular with critics to describe music that is popular with audiences.

hushed. The word you use when your editor complains about "pianissimo."

intelligent. Used to describe a performance, code word for "unexciting" but not intended to be negative.

jocular. A word for "humorous" that is useful in puns (e.g., "in a jocular vein").

measured. A meaningless adjective (as in "measured musical poetry").

memorable. Complimentary term to describe a concert you won't remember six months from now.

 

muse. This one seems to be on its way out, fortunately. "The muse" is to classical music critics what "philomel" was to dead Romantic poets.

not unfamiliar. High class way to say "familiar."

nuance. The thing you focus on when a piece of music is overly not unfamiliar.

object MIA. Dropping the object in a simple subject-verb-object sentence gives you the stylish panache of someone who's trying to be cute. Sentences like "The performance dazzled" or "The music touched" that don't acknowledge who or what was "dazzled" and/or "touched" and offer no proof of "dazzlement" or "touch" will make you sound like a bon vivant in Fresno.

one. Moneyed way to say "a person," often intended in the first person (as in "One heard echoes of birds" or "The music made one wistful"). The effect is lost if the word "someone" is substituted.

painterly. A prissy way to drive home the point that there are not enough words in the English language to describe sounds.

palette. See "color." To be used at least four or five times in every story. Do NOT spell as "P-A-L-A-T-E."

plumb. Something a performer does to depths (c.f., see "scale").

rare. Use this one as often as possible. It's most commonly employed [split infinitive alert] to artificially bolster certain special qualities (e.g., "rare intelligence" or "rare grace") or items that are in fairly standard supply such as an excellent performance or an excellent orchestra.

scale. Something a performer does to heights (c.f., see "plumb").

showcased. A common alternative to "displayed" (as a musician in a concert or a monkey at the zoo).

something old... A lead or opening paragraph that describes things that are "new," "old," "blue" and "borrowed" (not necessarily in that order) is the second surefire way to telegraph the reader of the awful prose to follow.

superb. A word to precede "colorist."

supreme. A word to precede "artist" or "boredom."

under the direction of. A longer way to say "conducted by..."

vapid. Its only practical use is on the S.A.T and in classical reviews when a critic can't think of anything good or bad to say about a performance.

venerable. Not to be confused with venereal.

David Bundler, 2001
 

                                  

How to Cook a Conductor

Ingredients

One large Conductor, or two small assistant conductors
Ketchup
26 large garlic cloves
Crisco or other solid vegetable shortening (Lard may be used)
1 cask cheap wine
1 lb. alfalfa sprouts
2 lbs. assorted yuppie food, such as tofu or yoghurt
One abused Orchestra

First, catch a Conductor. Remove the tail and horns. Carefully separate the large ego and reserve for sauce. Remove any batons, pencils (on permanent loan from the Principal Second Violin) and long articulations and discard. Remove the hearing aid and discard (it never worked anyway). Examine your conductor carefully - many of them are mostly large intestine. If you have such a Conductor, you will have to discard it and catch another. Clean the Conductor as you would a squid, but do not separate the tentacles from the body. If you have an older Conductor, such as one from a Major Symphony Orchestra or Summer Music Festival, you may wish to tenderize by pounding the Conductor on a rock with timpani mallets or by smashing the Conductor between two large cymbals.

Next, pour 1/2 of the cask of wine into a bath tub and soak the Conductor in the wine for at least 12 hours (exceptions: British, German and some Canadian Conductors have a natural beery taste which some people like and the wine might not marry well with this flavor. Use your judgment). When the Conductor is sufficiently marinated, remove any clothes the Conductor may be wearing and rub it all over with the garlic. Then cover your Conductor with the Crisco. using vague, slow circular motions. Take care to cover every inch of the Conductor's body with the shortening. If this looks like fun, you can cover yourself with Crisco too, removing clothes first.

Next, take your orchestra and put as much music out as the stands will hold without falling over, and make sure that there are lots of really loud passages for everyone, big loud chords for the winds and brass, and lots and lots of tremolos for the strings. (Bruckner might be appropriate). Rehearse these passages several times, making certain that the brass and winds are always playing as loud as they can and the strings are tremolo-ing at their highest speed. This should ensure adequate flames for cooking your Conductor. If not, insist on taking every repeat and be sure to add the second repeats in really large symphonies. Ideally, you should choose your repertoire to have as many repeats as possible, but if you have a piece with no repeats in it at all, just add some, claiming that you have seen the original, and there was an ink blot there that "looked like a repeat" to you and had obviously been missed by every other fool who had looked at this score. If taking all the repeats does not generate sufficient flames, burn the complete set of score and parts to all of the Bruckner symphonies.

When the flames have died down to a medium inferno, place your Conductor on top of your orchestra (they won't mind as they are used to it) until it is well tanned, the hair turns back to its natural color and all of the fat has dripped out. Be careful not to overcook or your Conductor could end up tasting like stuffed ham. Make a sauce by combining the ego, sprouts and ketchup to taste, placing it all in the blender and pureeing until smooth. If the ego is bitter, sweeten with honey to taste. Slice your Conductor as you would any turkey. Serve accompanied by the assorted yuppie food and the remaining wine with the sauce on the side.

WARNING: Due to environmental toxins present in conductor feeding areas, such as heavy metals, oily residue from intensive PR machinery manufacture, and extraordinarily high concentrations of E.coli, cryptosporidium, and other hazardous organisms associated with animal wastes, the Departments for Conductor Decimation (DCD) recommend that the consumption of conductors be limited to one per season. Overconsumption of conductors has been implicated in the epidemiology of a virulent condition known as "Bataan fever." Symptoms of this disorder include swelling of the brain, spasms in the extremities, delusions of competence, auditory hallucinations and excessive longevity.

                                                from everynote.com

 

 

An open letter (sorta; well, it is now)  from a strings teacher:

Dear Linda,
 
Here are some questions that I have for you from my students this year.
 
Do I need a left hand fiddle or a right hand fiddle?  Do I need to glue my bridge back on my violin or just nail it to the top?  My bass smells a little funny inside my f-holes, and I'm missing my pet hamster.  Do all the violins need to be tuned the same?  I can't pick up my violin after I sprayed it with Old English furniture polish.  I saved money by putting all my strings on my cello to one peg, and threw away the other three.  I bought an electric violin but it doesn't play very loud, do you know why?  I can't tune my bass very well and the neck looks a little funny hanging off to the side like that.  I think something's wrong with my viola bridge, it's in four pieces.  I had to pull ninety hairs out of my bow; will that affect the way it plays?  I ran out of rosin to use on my bow so I used some chalk but it doesn't sound the same as before.  I'm sorry Mr. Michael, but I tried turning those wood pegs and three of my strings came loose into two pieces, are they broke?
 
Here are some questions from new teachers who have never played strings. 
 
I tried tuning the viola and cello "E" strings but they broke?  Does the order that you put the strings on the instruments matter?  A piece of one my student's violin fell off and I didn't know what it was, so I threw it away.  Do you need rosin to rosin a bow?  I put the bridge back on one of my student's instruments but it looks a little funny, on one side the strings are touching the fingerboard and the other I can stick a pretzel between the bridge and the fingerboard?  I think my school picked up some cheap instruments.  All the necks are unfinished and don't shine with the same finish as the rest of the body.  Can you still use the rosin if it's in one hundred pieces?  How do you spray insecticide inside a violin to prevent cockroaches and spiders from living inside?
 
Enjoy and look forward to your classes!
 
 
John Michael

 

Of the many difficult-to-attribute gems knocking around on the 'net these days, the following is one of our favorites. All that can be said with certainty is that it contains actual quotes from elementary music students collected by a teacher in St. Louis over a 22 year career.

* "When I learned we were going to take a trip to hear a symphony orchestra, I told my feet to quiet down but they felt too Saturday to listen."

* "I would like for you to teach me to play the cello. Would tomorrow or Friday be best?"

* "If you keep moving two fingers real fast on the piano, you get a thrill."

* "I can't reach the brakes on this piano!"

* "The best way to tune up is to use a pitchfork."

* "A good thing to remember about trying to pick up a tuba is don't."

* "Will we ever get to the point where music is no longer taught in schools? The chances are 999 out of a hundred."

* "A diminuendo is something only encyclopedias know for sure."

* "Tutti means everybody toot at the same time."

* "I know what a sextet is but I would rather not say."

* "Fortissimo means real loud. It is the way a composer yells on music paper."

* "Refrain means don't do it! A refrain in music is the part you better not play."

* "Poignant music is music you hear before the stork comes."

* "Flats are okay in music but bad in tires."

* "Pieces written in minor keys sometimes make me feel nervous, like when my mom is looking at me under her breath."

* "Just about any animal skin can be stretched over a frame to make a pleasant sound once the animal is removed."

* "By shortening and lengthening tubing filled with air, high and low sounds can be made. Only wind instruments can understand this well enough to make it work for them. When electric currents go through them, guitars start making sounds. So would anybody."

* "When we blow into a whistle, the air is pushed together in some places and pulled apart in others. Naturally it screams and that is the sound we hear."

* "Many things about electronic instruments that were once thought to be science fiction now actually are."

* Question: Who composed The Hallelujah Chorus? Answer: "George Fredric Doorknob."

* "Although Rossini was once considered a great composer of operas, we now know of operas he failed to compose."

* "I like to listen to the Sorcerer's Appendix."

* "Richard Wagner was born in 1813, supposably on his birthday."

* "Bach died from 1750 to the present."

* "Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died from this."

* "Haydn got married when he was 28 years old and became the father of classical music."

* "Handel was a deeply religious man because in some of his music he talks about Ye and Thee and people like that."

* "Handel was half German, half Italian and half English; he was rather large."

* "Felix Mendelssohn seems to have been happy, honest and well-liked, although a musician."

* "Berlioz proved he was a wonderful composer by going insane."

* "Music is one of our most anesthetic arts."

 

What's the difference between a guitar player and a large pizza? 
               A large pizza can feed a family of four.

 

"Wagner's music is better than it sounds."   - Mark Twain

 

 

Music Humor

Music Humor, Quotations and more

Music Humor

Classical Music Humor

Books About Musical Humor

P. D. Q. Bach

Great quotes from "Music Simply Music"

 

A musical director was having a lot of trouble with one drummer. He talked
and talked and talked with the drummer, but his performance simply didn't
improve.
Finally, before the whole orchestra, he said, "When a musician just can't
handle his instrument and doesn't improve when given help, they take away
the instrument, and give him two sticks, and make him a drummer."
A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section: "And if he can't
handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a
conductor."

"Pachelbel Rant" from YouTube

 

NEW MUSICAL TERMS
In order to keep you abreast of the ever-developing world of musical
terminology, we provide herewith the latest additions to the esteemed
Harvard Dictionary of Music:


ALLREGRETTO
When you're 16 measures into the piece and realize you took too fast a tempo


ANGUS DEI
To play with a divinely beefy tone


A PATELLA
Accompanied by knee-slapping


APPOLOGGIATURA
A composition that you regret playing


APPROXIMATURA
A series of notes not intended by the composer, yet played with an "I meant to do that" attitude


APPROXIMENTO
A musical entrance that is somewhere in the vicinity of the correct pitch

CACOPHANY
A composition incorporating many people with chest colds


CORAL SYMPHONY
A large, multi-movement work from Beethoven's Caribbean Period


DILL PICCOLINI
An exceedingly small wind instrument that plays only sour notes


FERMANTRA
A note held over and over and over and over and. . .


FERMOOTA
A note of dubious value held for indefinite length


FIDDLER CRABS
Grumpy string players


FLUTE FLIES
Those tiny mosquitoes that bother musicians on outdoor gigs


FRUGALHORN
A sensible and inexpensive brass instrument


GAUL BLATTER
A French horn player


GREGORIAN CHAMP
The title bestowed upon the monk who can hold a note the longest


GROUND HOG
Someone who takes control of the repeated bass line and won't let anyone else play it


PLACEBO DOMINGO
A faux tenor


SCHMALZANDO
A sudden burst of music from the Guy Lombardo band


THE RIGHT OF STRINGS
Manifesto of the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Violists


SPRITZICATO
An indication to string instruments to produce a bright and bubbly sound


TEMPO TANTRUM
What an elementary school orchestra is having when it's not following the conductor


TROUBLE CLEF
Any clef one can't read: e.g., alto clef for pianists


VESUVIOSO
An indication to build up to a fiery conclusion


VIBRATTO
Child prodigy son of the concertmaster

And here are the latest and most up-to-date definitions of traditional musical terms:


AN-DANTE
A tempo that's infernally slow


ANTIPHONAL
Referring to the prohibition of cell phones in the concert hall


BAR LINE
What musicians form after the concert


BASSO CONTINUO
When musicians are still fishing long after the legal season has ended


BEN SOSTENUTO
First cousin of the second trombonist


CADENZA
Something that happens when you forget what the composer wrote


CANTABILE
To achieve a complaining sound, as if you have a sour stomach


COLLEGNO
An indication to cellists to hold on tight with their lower extremities


CON SORDINO
An indication to string players to bow in a slashing, rapier motion


ESPRESSIVO
Used to indicate permission to take a coffee break


L'ISTESSO TEMPO
An indication to play listlessly (e.g., as if you don't care)


MAESTRO
A person who, standing in front of the band, orchestra and/or chorus, is able to follow them precisely


OPERA BUFFA
musical stage production performed by nudists


PASTORALE
The beverage to drink in the country when listening to Beethoven with a member of the clergy


PESANTE
An effect distinctly non-upper-class


PIZZICATO
Too much coffee -- time to take a break


RUBATO
A cross between a rhubarb and a tomato


STRINGENDO
An unpleasant effect produced by the violin section when it doesn't use vibrato
 

Mozart effect is a fraud?

A new report now says that the Mozart effect is a fraud. For you hip urban professionals: no, playing Mozart for your designer baby will not improve his IQ or help him get into that exclusive pre-school. He'll just have to be admitted to Harvard some other way. Of course, we're all better off for listening to Mozart purely for the pleasure of it. 

However, one wonders that if playing Mozart sonatas for little Hillary or Jason could boost their intelligence, what would happen if other composers were played in their developmental time? 

LISZT EFFECT: Child speaks rapidly and extravagantly, but never really says anything important. 

BRUCKNER EFFECT: Child speaks very slowly and repeats himself frequently. Gains reputation for profundity. 

WAGNER EFFECT: Child becomes a megalomaniac. May eventually marry his sister. 

MAHLER EFFECT: Child continually screams - at great length and volume - that he's dying. 

SCHOENBERG EFFECT: Child never repeats a word until he's used all the other words in his vocabulary. Sometimes talks backwards. Eventually, people stop listening to him. Child blames them for their inability to understand him. 

BABBITT EFFECT: Child gibbers nonsense all the time. Eventually, people stop listening to him. Child doesn't care because all his playmates think he's cool. 

IVES EFFECT: the child develops a remarkable ability to carry on several separate conversations at once. 

GLASS EFFECT: the child tends to repeat himself over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again. 

STRAVINSKY EFFECT: the child is prone to savage, guttural and profane outbursts that often lead to fighting and pandemonium in the preschool. 

BRAHMS EFFECT: the child is able to speak beautifully as long as his sentences contain a multiple of three words (3, 6, 9, 12, etc). However, his sentences containing 4 or 8 words are strangely uninspired. 

AND THEN OF COURSE, THE CAGE EFFECT -- CHILD SAYS NOTHING FOR 4 MINUTES, 33 SECONDS. PREFERRED BY 9 OUT OF 10 CLASSROOM TEACHERS.

 

                                    Math for Musicians

1. Wilma is tired of paying for clarinet reeds. If she adopts a policy of playing only on rejected reeds from her colleagues, will she be able to retire on the money she has saved if she invests it in mutual bonds, yielding 8.7%, before she is fired from her job? If not, calculate the probability of her ever working in a professional symphony orchestra again.

 2. Jethro has been playing the double bass in a symphony orchestra for twelve years, three months and seven days. Each day, his inclination to practice decreases by the equation: (Total days in the orchestra) x .000976.  Assuming he stopped practicing altogether four years, six months and three days ago, how long will it be before he is completely unable to play the double bass?

3. Wilma plays in the second violin section, but specializes in making disparaging remarks about conductors and other musicians. The probability of her making a negative comment about any given musician is 4 chances in 7, and for conductors is 16 chances in 17. If there are 103 musicians in the orchestra and the orchestra sees 26 different conductors a year, how many negative comments does Wilma make in a two-year period? How does this change if five of the musicians are also conductors? What if six of the conductors are also musicians?

4. Horace is the General Manager of an important symphony orchestra. He tries to hear at least four concerts a year. Assuming that at each concert the orchestra plays a minimum of three pieces per concert, what are the chances that Horace can avoid hearing a single work by Mozart, Beethoven or Brahms in the next ten years?

5. Betty plays in the viola section. Despite her best efforts she is unable to play with the rest of the orchestra and, on average, plays .3528 seconds behind the rest of the viola section, which is already .16485 seconds behind the rest of the orchestra. If the orchestra is moving into a new concert hall with a reverberation time of 2.7 seconds, will she be able to continue playing this way undetected?

6. Ralph loves to drink coffee. Each week he drinks three more cups of coffee than Harold, who drinks exactly one third the amount that the entire brass section consumes in beer. How much longer is Ralph going to live?

7. Rosemary is unable to play in keys with more than three sharps or flats without making an inordinate number of mistakes. Because her colleagues in the cello section are also struggling in these passages she has so far been able to escape detection. What is the total number of hours they would all have to practice to play the complete works of Richard Strauss? 

                                                            - source unknown but gratefully used

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hit Counter